5:23 am: Your boss barges into your home, shakes you awake, and demands to know why you’re late for work. You tell him you start at seven. He says “not today” and assigns you a task. Bleary-eyed and exhausted, you get started.
6:30 am: Boss tears up everything you’ve completed over the last hour, then demands that you redo it.
7:15 am: Boss starts staring at the ceiling fan and won’t look away no matter what you do.
8:00 am: You want coffee. Boss is still looking at the ceiling fan, so you figure you have a couple minutes. The second you get out of your chair, he jumps up and gives you three more tasks to complete.
10:00 am: You go to the bathroom. Boss yells at you from the other room the whole time.
10:05 am: You return to your office to find your boss fast asleep.
10:06 am: You put water in the coffee maker.
10:07 am: Boss wakes up and yells at you to come back. You go and assure him you will return soon, but he assigns you a task that has to be done right this minute.
10:45 am: You slip away and turn the coffee maker on.
10:53 am: Boss projectile vomits on your desk. You spend the next hour cleaning up and redoing everything you have accomplished up to this point.
12:00 pm: You think about making a nice sandwich for lunch, but you don’t know how long your break is. Instead you eat a handful of Doritos and a banana. You pour cold coffee in a mug and put it in the microwave.
12:10 pm: Boss demands a status update. You explain that he vomited on the project, and you need to redo it. He decides that project is no longer important and tells you to move on to something new.
12:30 pm: You remember your coffee in the microwave, but your hands are full of papers. Your boss won’t let you set them down. You re-start the microwave using your elbow.
1:03 pm: Boss tells you to make a spreadsheet of all the items in the office categorized by what letter they start with, while balancing on one foot.
2:15 pm: The dry cleaner calls. You talk with them while suspending the phone between your ear and the refrigerator.
3:00 pm: You really need a break. You call a coworker to help with the spreadsheet project. You take a few minutes to yourself, but are consumed by guilt the entire time.
4:10 pm: You have only two items left to categorize when your boss decides he wants you to list them by label color instead.
4:30 pm – 5:30 pm: Your boss screams at you nonstop unless you’re singing the theme to Gilligan’s Island.
6:00 pm: You restart the microwave and grab some more Doritos and a Pop-Tart for dinner. You think that you should hit the gym, but have no idea when. You question your life choices and seriously think about finding a new job.
7:00 pm: Boss hands you a check for fifty thousand dollars and says you’re the best employee in the whole world. You stop thinking about a new job.
8:00 pm: Boss says you have the next six hours off. You go home, only to receive a frantic phone call twenty minutes later calling you back to the office because he dropped a paperclip. This repeats every hour until the next day.
6:04 am: You find yesterday’s coffee still in the microwave. You drink it cold and count it as a win.